“Did you tell Rick I used to be a singer?!” I blurted out, accusingly, as we walked along. It was just like any other night. Scott and I were taking Scotty for his evening walk after dinner when we came across our neighbor who had recently finished building his in-home recording studio. Rick is a fellow musician and was excited to share the news with me.
“The studio’s ready! Let me know if you ever want to come record something.” It was innocent and genuine.
He doesn’t know the weight I carry.
Scott and I walked along past a few more houses and he survived my interrogation. During our time outside, it struck me…my husband is still proud of me.
Some days, I’m still hiding.
It took several hours of quiet processing on my part before my sweet husband finally approached me in the kitchen, looked me square in the eyes, and said, “You’re still a singer.”
I can’t count the number of time I’ve said, “I used to be a singer” over the last 20 months, as if my past disqualified me from having the honor of this gift. This Spring, as I’ve had conversations with others about ministry and what that could look like in the future, “I used to lead worship” is what keeps coming out. It’s a phrase I never thought I’d say.
I remember looking at Scott and telling him I’d never stand on a stage again. It was over. Not only did I have nothing left but I had damaged my relationship with my church, a church I had loved deeply for over 25 years.
I used to be a worship leader.
There was so much anger around this phrase 20 months ago, so much hurt. Mostly, directed at myself. Rightly so. However, when it comes out now, it different. There’s been softening, accepting, processing, healing. Jesus is faithful like that. He has a way of bringing so much beauty from these ashes.
2 Corinthians 5:17 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” (ESV)
Does anyone else need this verse taped to their bathroom mirror?
Here’s what I came here to say…YOU ARE STILL A (INSERT THE BLANK). For me…
I am still a worship leader.
Your mistakes, your season in life, the timing, the restoration process, the logistics, your community, your church, any number of things may be preventing you from walking in your calling for a time but that doesn’t change the fact that God has still called you to it. You are not disqualified from your calling because of your mistakes, and neither am I.
Have compassion with yourself in the waiting, the processing, the healing. It’s difficult but it’s so, so fruitful. Jesus will always meet you when you’re flat on your face. I promise.
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philipians 1:6